July 10, 2006
Masturbation (a.k.a “The M-Word”)
You might be wondering what in the world brought on this post. Well, my wife is addicted to the TV show “Friends” and she recently bought one of the seasons on DVD. We have been watching them together every so often after our son Cole heads to bed.
In a recent episode, Monica walks in on her husband as he is masturbating. Not surprisingly the show makes this one of the main jokes of the episode and it’s all in “good fun.” While Friends can be a funny show, its no secret that they put forward a very distorted view of sex which, in my mind, is one of the downfalls of the show.
In the churches that I have grown up in the “M-Word,” as it is commonly referred to, has been one of those “off limits” conversations and preaching topics and I have yet to hear a really compelling reason “why it is wrong.” Now, before you jump into the comments to rip me apart. Hear what I am saying. Its’ not that I think masturbation is a good practice or anything. It’s just that I have thought the rationale that we have used to say “this is wrong” often falls short.
Let’s be honest, in the Bible, nowhere does it say, “thou shalt not masturbate.” I have been in a number of conversations with guys who like to try and rationalize that its okay to do it if you aren’t lusting (never actually heard of that actually happening!). I have also heard some really strange ways people use scripture to say why it’s wrong.
So, the question is out there. Is it wrong and why?
Well, first let me state, I do believe it is wrong. However, my reason is not so much based on lust as it is based on a deeper issue. To me, the issue is about a proper view of the sexual relationship between a man and a wife.
It’s my conviction that its shows like Friends (and the many other sex based shows on our televisions) that have brought us away from the deeper issue here. See, in these shows, sex is viewed as anything but a selfless act. In fact, in these shows, sex is the opposite. It’s all about what you get. Perhaps this is how we get language like “getting laid.” Think about it, most of our “slang” to describe sex uses language that is receiving in nature.
But, the point of scripture is that sex as it is designed is supposed to be an act of selflessness. It’s about giving more than receiving. It’s not about “getting your fill” or “getting laid.” It’s about a selfless act between a husband and wife.
Here is where masturbation comes in. What is masturbation at is root? Self-gratification. Its basic goal is to make oneself fulfilled sexually. There is absolutely nothing selfless about the act. Who cares if you can somehow masturbate without lusting, lust is not the point.
So, if the act of sex between a man and a wife is supposed to be, at its core, a selfless act, then the act of masturbation leads us away from God’s design for a biblical sexual relationship. In once sense, its really bad training for marriage. When you masturbate you are essentially training yourself to be a terrible sexual partner.
So, what do you think? (feel free to leave anonymous comments)
07.10.06
By: mr. peepers
Well Todd, I\’ve been masturbating for many years and I have to say that not much good has come out of the practice. My pornography and masturbatory habbits have caused me isolation, loneliness, depression, low self-esteem, and ultimately separation from God.
I have never been married and am unable to maintain even a dating relationship with a woman for very long. Perhaps my masturbation (and justification of it) plays a part in why I am remain alone.
I may not be mature enough to be in a relationship because I stay stuck in my pattern of self-gratification.
So yes, I think you have a very good way of thinking about it.
07.10.06
By: john wilson
I\’ve just read your post and I think you missed something very important. The AMA states that masturbation is the number one cause for blindness in men. It can also cause the skin on the hands to turn blue.
07.10.06
By: anon
Agree that masturbation distorts our view of sex but I don’t think everything we do has to be selfless. What’s selfless about, say, eating an oreo cookie?
07.10.06
By: Todd
not sure i really said everything we do has to be selfless…plus, eating oreo cookies and masturbation are two very different topics aren’t they?
07.10.06
By: Mr. Peepers
I also think there is a lot of bases we didn’t cover here. In the human growth and development world, masturbation is considered just a part of the adolescents process. I think it came be a dangerous thing to attach guilt to it, especially because it remains in a grey area. However, masturbation can be a very distructive thing. As I mentioned above. Whether or not there is a “healthy” form of masturbation I’m not sure. I can speak to the many unhealthy forms of it. i.e. using it to escape feelings, using it as a drug, the feelings of shame that accompany it.
Then there is the spiritual issue. Is it a sin? I would say that habitual, unhealthy masturbation is sinful. Just like over-eating, or addiction or gambling.
Yet, does there exist a “healthy” or non-sinful masturbation?
Or is there anyone here who can deny every masturbating?
07.10.06
By: Mr. Peepers
allright, I have thought through this a little more, and I believe the issue has to do with spiritual maturity or spiritual formation. As Paul says in his letter to the Romans
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” Romans 12:2
So if masturbation may be a part of the growing process, in particular for adolescents, the spiritually formed christian should be moving away from self-gratification, and towards self-control (Gal 5:23) Therefore this habbit may last for a season in life, but to grow in christ means a deeper surrender and eventually masturbation will have to go. So to be stuck in masturbation means being stuck spiritually and not being formed as the christ follower that God intends you to be.
07.10.06
By: Todd
peepers, i like the way you are thinking through this. Good stuff and good thoughts. of course, perfection is not the essence of christianity, however i think you make the great point that
“but to grow in christ means a deeper surrender and eventually masturbation will have to go. So to be stuck in masturbation means being stuck spiritually and not being formed as the christ follower that God intends you to be.”
07.11.06
By: David
Nice post, Todd. This is definitely one of those areas where we must “die to ourselves,” maybe even the most difficult area.
On the flipside, we need to destroy all myths about masturbation (and other sexual acts), such as the one “john wilson” mentioned. I recommend watching “Kinsey” for those who are interested. His own sexual ethic is not that proclaimed by Scripture, but it is worth our time to allow people like Dr. Kinsey to free us from the kind of stigmas and myths that some religious groups propagate to instill fear.
07.11.06
By: Mr. Peepers
“peepers, i like the way you are thinking through this”
Actually my name is “Mr. Peepers” thank you very much
07.16.06
By: Helen
Interesting topic, Todd!
I can’t comment about how sex is portrayed on Friends because I haven’t watched it. I have watched a fair amount of Seinfeld, on the other hand.
I disagree with you that sex is portrayed primarily as a selfish act on this show. There are definitely differences between their portrayal of it and what Bible-believing Christians teach – such as, it’s much more casually entered into. Nevertheless, I would say that the show and Bible-believing Christians agree that sex is to be by mutual consent and the goal is that both partners enjoy it.
I’m not sure it’s that simple.
Certainly, acts of self-gratification don’t teach us how to be selfless. And if any behavior turns into a dependency, so that someone turns to it compulsively as an escape/to meet emotional needs, then that is going to be a problem in all of their life including in a marriage relationship.
However, acts of self-gratification that aren’t compulsive, out-of-control behavior won’t necessarily be a significant hindrance to learning how to be a good marriage partner.
And some other things could be – such as, entering marriage with the distorted Christian view of men and women which teaches that men always have the last say in every decision? (I have heard Christian leaders teach this) I think carrying that philosophy into the sexual relationship within marriage could be very hurtful to a wife. Surely ‘by mutual consent’ must prevail in that area?
07.16.06
By: Helen
mr peepers, thank you for your honesty.
I expect that masturbation and pornography are symptoms of an isolated life rather than the cause of it. I know it’s not easy but I think if you could find a way to make friends and get more involved socially it would help you get your life in balance and you’d have less time and less need for whatever acts of self-gratification you currently use to meet your emotional needs.
Please believe that God is on your team. His plan is to help you, not just to shame you for where you’re at (that’s the job of satan, actually). God wants to help you.
Think about Jesus – he didn’t go to people and read off a list of their sins. He helped them take the next step towards a more complete life.
Ask God to help you have the courage to do what is hard, but what will ultimately make your life more fulfilling. Figure out what practical steps you can take to get out more and meet more people and trust that God is with you every step of the way – for you, not against you.
Of course all of this is ‘just my opinion’ :)
07.20.06
By: Jean
Oreos and masterbation are similar
Anon, Neil T. Anderson in the book “Bondage Breaker” : “Eating is necessary and right, but eating too much, eating the wrong kinds of foods and allowing food to rule your life are wrong. Sex as intended by God is beautifal and good, but sex outside of marriage, homosexuality, and selfish sex are out of bounds and lead to bondage. If you give in to the temptation to meet your own physical needs or carnal desires independent of God, you are yielding t the lust of the flesh.”…. “this will draw us away for the will of God (Galations 16:18) and destroy our dependence upon God (John 15:5)”
This book helped set me free! now I wish my husband would read it!
02.1.09
By: kookimebux
Hello. And Bye. :)
02.9.09
By: CJ
If God expects our sex life to be selfless why in the world did He design us to receive so much pleasure from it? Now, I think there is a combination of selfless acts to help our spouse achieve the highest level of satisfaction and the pleasure that we ourselves receive from those same acts. The balance between selflessness and pleasure is a fine line. If both people were equally selfless then who is the focus on? Who gets to enjoy? And if one receives more pleasure than the other are they guilty of sin?
As for masturbation, why does it have to be about lust. Why can’t it be about the way God wired us? He definitely wired us with a sexual drive. If there is a period of time when one partner cannot have sex, why would it be a bad thing to masturbate? Maybe a business trip or being away for a period of time? Maybe its that time of month and she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you — but the release is helpful?
I do feel as though we place a whole lot of guilt in this area for those who chose to masturbate. I have counseled with lots of people about the subject. My advise is don’t let it consume you. Don’t let this be something that controls you. God wants us to be directed and controlled by the Holy Spirit. Just like everything else, why can’t moderation be the word of the day?
03.17.10
By: Soterios
I have been seeking a deeper relationship with God for the last 4 years because I was chronically depressed and believed that God could heal my depression. I decided to stop pursuing relationships with woman until I felt that I had the vitality and peace of mind to do so.
I set out in faith four years ago with so much fatigue that I had zero libido at the time. After one year of reading the bible daily and praying daily, my libido returned but I still did not feel the desire to rush into a relationship. Instead I relieved myself when desire came for sex. This put a temporary end to desire. I would say the frequency was about once a week.
I observed the effects it had on my body afterwards. Normally after masturbating, I would feel good and alive. I would feel somehow stronger and more centered and grounded the next day, although there was an initial fatigue after the act itsself. Sleep was deeper and more refreshing. Directly after the act I would read the gospels to see if I received in my spirit any sense of judgement or condemnation – there wasn’t any so I continued. I also observed the after-effects in the spirit. My spirit man behaved normally and with balanced movement. Dreams were clear and detailed as deliverance progressed from day to day.
About 2-4 days after the act, feelings of guilt set in and I began to wonder if those feelings of guilt were of the soul or a sense of conviction emanating from the spirit. I prayed to God if masturbation was a sin or not.
I got no clear conviction after many prayers. Then I decided to go without masturbating for a month to see the effects it would have in my spiritual life.
I began to feel anxious after about two weeks and I somehow felt week and vulnerable, as though there was oppression building in my spiritual life. My strong faith began to deteriorate and dreams became grainy, unclear and dull, as well as confusing. I began to feel a sense of despair and dread that my deliverance and healing from the Lord was getting less and less each night. Three weeks of hell ensued.
Eventually one day I had a kind of epiphany in response to desperate prayer: “My righteous right-hand upholds you” and “I am – the root of David”. Then I began to test a declaration to see what effects it had on my dream-life.
First, I declared “masturbation is a sin”, then that “masturbation is not a sin”. I observed the effects of my spirit over one month. In short my spirit ceased to move at night as though it were burdened and I began to experience demonic attacks and paralysing fear set in.
Eventually I relented and masturbated one morning at about 6am. Within seconds of going to sleep my spirit began to experience deliverance and dreams became fluid, clear and detailed once more. This was amazing for me, because I had been journalling the dreams of each night.
What I can tell you is this: Masturbation is not simply a fleshy desire because there are dreams where evil spirits will entice a person’s spirit into sexual-relations. Incubus and Sucubus dreams are well-known. These are occuring in the spirit realm, not in the flesh realm. I have also had dreams where I am aroused in the dream and that arousal carries through with me into the flesh when I wake up. I wake up with an erection.
Human sexuality goes beyond the flesh, that much I can tell you after having had dreams where I am able to observed my own dreaming soul/spirit’s genitals. That’s right, the spirit man has arms, legs, head, feet, genitals etc. We are a spiritual creation made in God’s image first, then a flesh body created for a life on this planet second. Our God is Jesus and he is in the spiritual shape of a man, as are our spirits.
I have searched the scriptures and there is nothing that specifically condemns mastubration. The root word in greek is Porneia, which suggests unlawful relations outside the marriage union. If a man chooses to stay single and not marry which is the recommended option by St. Paul, is he then also to remain sexually frustrated because of his better choice? Surely our God would not and could not be so unfair?
Personally I feel that celebacy and chastity are more to do with staying single and unmarried than denying or repressing our sexual urges. We are sexual beings as well as spiritual beings after all. We are supposed to begin in the carnal and progress to the spiritual, coming into an understanding of our spiritual identities how to return to God.
Jesus came as a human being, no doubt with sex organs and he must have been succeptable to sexual urges. That he remained single and unmarried does not prove that he never masturbated. That we are to “deny ourselves” also doesn’t specifically condemn masturbation. I believe that moderation is the key to masturbation and there is now medical evidence to suggest that male infertility can be reduced by more frequent masturbation.
I am still seeking truth from God on the issue, but I think that we should be clear about feelings of guilt which can be fed to us by sin already living in us via Satan, which can accuse us. Christians walking according to the soul and not the spirit are likely to follow internal voices which condemn and accuse, instead of a true sense of conviction imparted to us by the holy spirit, which according to scripture is supposed to lead us into all truth.
The scriptures ought to be in harmony with the truth imparted by the Holy Spirit. This suggests that truth is taught spiritually to us and that we perceive it as innate knowledge imparted to our spirits. If what we sense in our spirits, seems to be in opposition to the word of God, then what do we do? My guess is that the guilty feelings are soulish, therefore not coming from God who is operating in the realm of spirit. We are not to walk with God in accordance with feelings but in accordance with a conscience sharpened by the word of God to determine or discern which is from evil and which from good.
Let’s not forget Satan’s other names are deceiver, tormenter, accuser and counterfeiter of God. He delighteth in wickedness and I sure that he would delight in obscuring the truth of masturbation which results in strongholds that can bind, defeat and destroy men who are constantly beseiged by feelings of guilt for what is probably more to do with acts of self-nurturing than self-abuse, selfishness or sin.
If a person masturbates in a marriage is that sin?
Each of us has a complex sexuality and not every need can be fulfilled by another. With a healthy relationship all needs ought to be fulfilled by the partner, but is this always the case? Does it destroy intimacy in a marriage?
Maybe if you are constantly trying to conceal your desires from your wife, she might become suspicious. What if you masturbate in front of your wife? Is that a sin? I very much doubt it.
01.12.12
By: Kelly
Hi,
I just came across this looking for info on Neil Anderson, the author. I saw the tag line on the google page about Oreo’s and sex, and thought it was funny so I found myself here to see what it was about.
What I am wondering is why you watched Friends(in 2006) if you are a born again Christian?? That is where I stopped on the page. Huh? Friends? That show teaches sex before marriage, mocks many things God clearly says not to, and adds much sarcasm and impurity to the mind/soul.
You pastor a Christian church and you and your wife watch shows like Friends?
I was brought up in a cosmopolitan area, on the coast. Everything is available here that is worldy. So, Friends would seem prudish to much of what I could be connecting myself to during entertainment…but as a born again Christian, there’s no doubt Christ would wants me having nothing to do with shows like that.
Love to hear an answer from you and your wife on here..if you’re still around in 2011.
Thanks, in Christ,
Kelly
01.19.12
By: riversofcream
Todd if you take the trouble to read and study the Mosaic law in deuteronomy, as you should, then you will discover that masturbation is not a sin. The sin is actually “emission of semen” and you will see that in the law there is nothing which forbids sex before marriage either.
Masturbation is only a problem if a man “emits semen”. However, this may happen from a wet dream (nocturnal emission) or from having sex with his wife.
The problem is, if a man is married or single, he cannot avoid the transgression of the law, which amounts to impurity or uncleanness. The law had its purposes in maintaining hygiene in the Israelite camp, but in truth, there is no way around the law, because the bible does not specifically say that taking a wife ends the sin of impurity. Paul advises men that they should remain single in order that their duty toward God is not divided by women. It would mean that single men have to remain chaste, which in todays world is very difficult. The end result of sexual frustration can be extreme violence, which is not healthy for a society. All you have to do is look at the Arab nations all in turmoil to see the effect this law has on Islamic nations.
The grace that we have “in Christ” through our faith, permits us forgiveness of sins. We now no longer live under law, so we do not have to suffer the curse which comes with the law. The word says, “don’t keep on sinning that grace may increase, BUT where sins increased, grace increased even more.”
Also, another interesting fact from the makers of deuteronomy, is that women also commit the sin of impurity by their monthly menstrual flow, which makes them unclean for 7 days. After a man emits semen, he is only unclean for 1 day. Woman can’t help having their period, so how can they expect men to not masturbate? Next time your wife tries to punish you by witholding sex, you can retaliate by “helping yourself”. In that way you will be able to counteract her sexual manipulation. When she accuses you of masturbating you can read her the law in deuteronomy and tell her she should try and stop having her periods, as it is also a biblical sin.
The thing for men is to try and limit their masturbation so that they retain energy and don’t become fatigued. Trying to pevent masturbation is about as healthy as trying to prevent monthly female bloodloss.