• Masturbation (a.k.a “The M-Word”)

    July 10, 2006

    You might be wondering what in the world brought on this post. Well, my wife is addicted to the TV show “Friends” and she recently bought one of the seasons on DVD. We have been watching them together every so often after our son Cole heads to bed.

    In a recent episode, Monica walks in on her husband as he is masturbating. Not surprisingly the show makes this one of the main jokes of the episode and it’s all in “good fun.” While Friends can be a funny show, its no secret that they put forward a very distorted view of sex which, in my mind, is one of the downfalls of the show.

    In the churches that I have grown up in the “M-Word,” as it is commonly referred to, has been one of those “off limits” conversations and preaching topics and I have yet to hear a really compelling reason “why it is wrong.” Now, before you jump into the comments to rip me apart. Hear what I am saying. Its’ not that I think masturbation is a good practice or anything. It’s just that I have thought the rationale that we have used to say “this is wrong” often falls short.

    Let’s be honest, in the Bible, nowhere does it say, “thou shalt not masturbate.” I have been in a number of conversations with guys who like to try and rationalize that its okay to do it if you aren’t lusting (never actually heard of that actually happening!). I have also heard some really strange ways people use scripture to say why it’s wrong.

    So, the question is out there. Is it wrong and why?

    Well, first let me state, I do believe it is wrong. However, my reason is not so much based on lust as it is based on a deeper issue. To me, the issue is about a proper view of the sexual relationship between a man and a wife.

    It’s my conviction that its shows like Friends (and the many other sex based shows on our televisions) that have brought us away from the deeper issue here. See, in these shows, sex is viewed as anything but a selfless act. In fact, in these shows, sex is the opposite. It’s all about what you get. Perhaps this is how we get language like “getting laid.” Think about it, most of our “slang” to describe sex uses language that is receiving in nature.

    But, the point of scripture is that sex as it is designed is supposed to be an act of selflessness. It’s about giving more than receiving. It’s not about “getting your fill” or “getting laid.” It’s about a selfless act between a husband and wife.

    Here is where masturbation comes in. What is masturbation at is root? Self-gratification. Its basic goal is to make oneself fulfilled sexually. There is absolutely nothing selfless about the act. Who cares if you can somehow masturbate without lusting, lust is not the point.

    So, if the act of sex between a man and a wife is supposed to be, at its core, a selfless act, then the act of masturbation leads us away from God’s design for a biblical sexual relationship. In once sense, its really bad training for marriage. When you masturbate you are essentially training yourself to be a terrible sexual partner.

    So, what do you think? (feel free to leave anonymous comments)

  • Comments on this Post:

    Comment by: mr. peepers


    1

    Well Todd, I\’ve been masturbating for many years and I have to say that not much good has come out of the practice. My pornography and masturbatory habbits have caused me isolation, loneliness, depression, low self-esteem, and ultimately separation from God.
    I have never been married and am unable to maintain even a dating relationship with a woman for very long. Perhaps my masturbation (and justification of it) plays a part in why I am remain alone.
    I may not be mature enough to be in a relationship because I stay stuck in my pattern of self-gratification.
    So yes, I think you have a very good way of thinking about it.

    07/10/06 9:42 AM

    Comment by: john wilson


    2

    I\’ve just read your post and I think you missed something very important. The AMA states that masturbation is the number one cause for blindness in men. It can also cause the skin on the hands to turn blue.

    07/10/06 9:45 AM

    Comment by: anon


    3

    Agree that masturbation distorts our view of sex but I don’t think everything we do has to be selfless. What’s selfless about, say, eating an oreo cookie?

    07/10/06 2:52 PM

    Comment by: Todd


    4

    not sure i really said everything we do has to be selfless…plus, eating oreo cookies and masturbation are two very different topics aren’t they?

    07/10/06 5:15 PM

    Comment by: Mr. Peepers


    5

    I also think there is a lot of bases we didn’t cover here. In the human growth and development world, masturbation is considered just a part of the adolescents process. I think it came be a dangerous thing to attach guilt to it, especially because it remains in a grey area. However, masturbation can be a very distructive thing. As I mentioned above. Whether or not there is a “healthy” form of masturbation I’m not sure. I can speak to the many unhealthy forms of it. i.e. using it to escape feelings, using it as a drug, the feelings of shame that accompany it.
    Then there is the spiritual issue. Is it a sin? I would say that habitual, unhealthy masturbation is sinful. Just like over-eating, or addiction or gambling.
    Yet, does there exist a “healthy” or non-sinful masturbation?
    Or is there anyone here who can deny every masturbating?

    07/10/06 7:19 PM

    Comment by: Mr. Peepers


    6

    allright, I have thought through this a little more, and I believe the issue has to do with spiritual maturity or spiritual formation. As Paul says in his letter to the Romans
    “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” Romans 12:2
    So if masturbation may be a part of the growing process, in particular for adolescents, the spiritually formed christian should be moving away from self-gratification, and towards self-control (Gal 5:23) Therefore this habbit may last for a season in life, but to grow in christ means a deeper surrender and eventually masturbation will have to go. So to be stuck in masturbation means being stuck spiritually and not being formed as the christ follower that God intends you to be.

    07/10/06 8:03 PM

    Comment by: Todd


    7

    peepers, i like the way you are thinking through this. Good stuff and good thoughts. of course, perfection is not the essence of christianity, however i think you make the great point that

    “but to grow in christ means a deeper surrender and eventually masturbation will have to go. So to be stuck in masturbation means being stuck spiritually and not being formed as the christ follower that God intends you to be.”

    07/10/06 8:10 PM

    Comment by: David


    8

    Nice post, Todd. This is definitely one of those areas where we must “die to ourselves,” maybe even the most difficult area.

    On the flipside, we need to destroy all myths about masturbation (and other sexual acts), such as the one “john wilson” mentioned. I recommend watching “Kinsey” for those who are interested. His own sexual ethic is not that proclaimed by Scripture, but it is worth our time to allow people like Dr. Kinsey to free us from the kind of stigmas and myths that some religious groups propagate to instill fear.

    07/11/06 6:20 AM

    Comment by: Mr. Peepers


    9

    “peepers, i like the way you are thinking through this”
    Actually my name is “Mr. Peepers” thank you very much

    07/11/06 8:13 AM

    Comment by: Helen


    10

    Interesting topic, Todd!

    I can’t comment about how sex is portrayed on Friends because I haven’t watched it. I have watched a fair amount of Seinfeld, on the other hand.

    I disagree with you that sex is portrayed primarily as a selfish act on this show. There are definitely differences between their portrayal of it and what Bible-believing Christians teach - such as, it’s much more casually entered into. Nevertheless, I would say that the show and Bible-believing Christians agree that sex is to be by mutual consent and the goal is that both partners enjoy it.

    So, if the act of sex between a man and a wife is supposed to be, at its core, a selfless act, then the act of masturbation leads us away from God’s design for a biblical sexual relationship. In once sense, its really bad training for marriage. When you masturbate you are essentially training yourself to be a terrible sexual partner.

    I’m not sure it’s that simple.

    Certainly, acts of self-gratification don’t teach us how to be selfless. And if any behavior turns into a dependency, so that someone turns to it compulsively as an escape/to meet emotional needs, then that is going to be a problem in all of their life including in a marriage relationship.

    However, acts of self-gratification that aren’t compulsive, out-of-control behavior won’t necessarily be a significant hindrance to learning how to be a good marriage partner.

    And some other things could be - such as, entering marriage with the distorted Christian view of men and women which teaches that men always have the last say in every decision? (I have heard Christian leaders teach this) I think carrying that philosophy into the sexual relationship within marriage could be very hurtful to a wife. Surely ‘by mutual consent’ must prevail in that area?

    07/16/06 6:02 AM

    Comment by: Helen


    11

    mr peepers, thank you for your honesty.

    I expect that masturbation and pornography are symptoms of an isolated life rather than the cause of it. I know it’s not easy but I think if you could find a way to make friends and get more involved socially it would help you get your life in balance and you’d have less time and less need for whatever acts of self-gratification you currently use to meet your emotional needs.

    Please believe that God is on your team. His plan is to help you, not just to shame you for where you’re at (that’s the job of satan, actually). God wants to help you.

    Think about Jesus - he didn’t go to people and read off a list of their sins. He helped them take the next step towards a more complete life.

    Ask God to help you have the courage to do what is hard, but what will ultimately make your life more fulfilling. Figure out what practical steps you can take to get out more and meet more people and trust that God is with you every step of the way - for you, not against you.

    Of course all of this is ‘just my opinion’ :)

    07/16/06 6:03 AM

    Comment by: Jean


    12

    Oreos and masterbation are similar
    Anon, Neil T. Anderson in the book “Bondage Breaker” : “Eating is necessary and right, but eating too much, eating the wrong kinds of foods and allowing food to rule your life are wrong. Sex as intended by God is beautifal and good, but sex outside of marriage, homosexuality, and selfish sex are out of bounds and lead to bondage. If you give in to the temptation to meet your own physical needs or carnal desires independent of God, you are yielding t the lust of the flesh.”…. “this will draw us away for the will of God (Galations 16:18) and destroy our dependence upon God (John 15:5)”

    This book helped set me free! now I wish my husband would read it!

    07/20/06 5:49 AM

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