Processing Loss…and blessing…
It is painful to share, but my wife Melanie had a miscarriage early Monday morning. She is physically doing alright and will have some minor surgery on Tuesday morning.
I was just observing yesterday with a friend how our family has gone through a roller coaster of emotions with the news that our son Mason is almost ready to come home from Guatemala in addition to recently finding out we’re pregnant.
Little did I know that this roller coaster was far from over as we processed this today…
I had just recently began to comprehend a little better that idea that we’d have three kids by February. As crazy as that sounded, I was so excited about it. Two kids in six months. That’s exciting. Who cares that we’d have to buy a home, find a minivan. This was worth it. Debt? Who cares. A child is such a bigger deal that worrying about that stuff….
We were talking the last few days about how we were “feeling” like it was a girl. We’d started talking about names. We even found some good ones. Now honestly this concept of having a little girl was crazy for me to process. I have two brothers and am pretty sure I would not know much of what to do with a girl. Recently though, we’d stayed with some friends who have two girls and I was strangely amazed with how much I was drawn to the idea. Just last week I found myself really hoping for a daughter who would call me daddy and think i could do no wrong…
But tonight. I sit here and can’t quite comprehend that this is not our immediate future. If the Lord wills, we still would like to have three children. We weren’t certain before about three children, but if the Lord will bless, we are more sure of this than ever…
So, the title of this post has the word “blessing” it it…I just added this. Why? Well, I have just sent out a prayer request to our church community (its weird to write a prayer request for yourself) and even at 11:15 at night I have already received back a number of beautiful and encouraging e-mails and a few phone calls. This morning, as I called a few close friends and family members, each of them showed so much grace and compassion towards us. Half the people stopped what they were doing and prayed for us over the phone. The out pouring of love from our family and our community has literally brought me to tears. It’s too bad my wife is sleeping…she’s never seen me cry… While sharing news like this is emotionally draining and not easy, we are blessed to walk down this road with such wonderful people. I cannot imagine if they were in our lives…
Earlier today I spoke with a close friend who had recently found out that there was a good chance his mom might have cancer. He informed me that today they learned that she doesn’t. What great news! Of course, I then informed him of our news. We realized that this is what Romans 12:15 is all about. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn.” We need to do this even if we are the ones rejoicing and even if we are the one mourning.
Any time now i expect to receive a text message or phone call from our good friends from church who are about to have their first baby. Melanie and I, and the rest of our community, have an opportunity to live this verse out together as well. While our pain is very real, I can’t wait to go see Mark and Beth in the hospital and share in the joy of their new … little girl….
hmm…living Romans 12:15 won’t be so easy will it?
john chandler said...
107/16/07 8:10 PM | Comment Link |
Todd,
So sorry to hear this. Thank you for sharing your heart’s movement through all this.
John
GordonG said...
207/16/07 9:28 PM | Comment Link |
Dear Todd
I can only begin to understand how you and Melanie feel over the loss, but have experienced how God moves to bless in times and darkness, and pray that the blessings will continue to flow for you.
Shalom
Gordon
Jori said...
307/17/07 4:53 AM | Comment Link |
Dear Todd,
So sorry to hear of your loss, thanks for sharing your thoughts. Praying for Melanie (and you) as you go through this yet another change in life. Coming from someone whose been there, my prayers are constant.
Jori
grace said...
407/17/07 5:34 AM | Comment Link |
Todd,
I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God will continue to comfort you and Melanie as you grieve.
Matt said...
507/17/07 6:23 AM | Comment Link |
Todd and Melanie
We are incredibly sorry to hear of your loss. Britt and I will be praying for you guys.
JR Rozko said...
607/17/07 6:33 AM | Comment Link |
Todd & Melanie,
I am so sorry to hear this news. May God give you peace as you grieve, process, and remain thankful for God’s steadfast love.
JR
Tim and Laura said...
707/17/07 8:19 AM | Comment Link |
Todd and Mel,
We are so saddened to hear of your loss. Please know we’re praying for you guys during this difficult time.
Adam Walker Cleaveland said...
807/17/07 10:26 AM | Comment Link |
Todd - I’m so sorry for you and Mel’s loss. So sorry - if there is anything we can do for you - let us know. I will pray for your family.
Peace.
JP Manzi said...
907/17/07 12:23 PM | Comment Link |
Like the others above me, my prayers go out to you and yours brother.
Emmy said...
1007/17/07 1:16 PM | Comment Link |
Todd and Melanie,
I am at a loss for words to express my saddness for you. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers and thoughts.
Emmy
David Congdon said...
1107/17/07 6:15 PM | Comment Link |
Todd,
Amy and I are deeply saddened by this news, and your family is in our prayers. We are especially saddened by the fact that we will be away from The Well this next month. Thankfully, the body of Christ extends beyond our physical location.
When I first saw the church email about this, I was first reminded of a comment I’ve heard repeated many times that basically says to not share one’s pregnancy publicly until later on when the possibility of a miscarriage has diminished. And I thought about how such a view lacks any sense of a community. I thought about how blessed we are to be part of a community in which pregnancies and miscarriages (among other things) do not have to be handled alone, but can be shared with others. This is really the beauty of the body of Christ at work. If living missionally means anything, it should mean this.
Today, Amy and I got in the car and turned on NPR. Incredibly, there was an interview with a woman who had multiple miscarriages and she was sharing from her memoir about her own life-journey of trying to become a mother. It was so appropriate, so timely. One of the things she said was that the Christian tradition does not have any liturgical way of dealing with miscarriages, whereas Buddhism has an entire ritual for such an event. I was struck by this. I’ll have to keep thinking about it.
At the very least, I hope that you will experience the peace of the Lord in these upcoming weeks and months. I pray that the embrace of the community and the comfort of the Holy Spirit will be a kind of liturgy for you as you process where God is leading you.
Liza Johnson said...
1207/18/07 7:49 PM | Comment Link |
Todd,
I was so sorry to hear about this! My husband and I will be keeping your family in our prayers!
Liza Johnson
carol h said...
1307/18/07 7:58 PM | Comment Link |
todd, this is beautiful. Our hearts are sad for you and for all of us. I like what your friend said about sharing early. I think they are right!
God is good, all the time, but it doens’t make any of this easy as we all too well know in our family. God bless you both and cole and Mason. hugs, mom
Pat said...
1407/19/07 3:13 PM | Comment Link |
Todd, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I know how difficult it can be. May God bless you all during this time.
Milton Stanley said...
1507/20/07 4:58 AM | Comment Link |
Todd, I’ve lifted you and Melanie up in prayer for your loss. I realize the next few weeks will be busy for you, but e-mail me at TS if you’d like to get together in person and talk. Peace. Milton
Susan Ghali (Tim's wife) said...
1609/23/07 4:54 PM | Comment Link |
I just sat here for an hour reading all of your blog. However, I didn’t read it in order. . . so sorry to hear this news. I know that I’m a little late reading all this, but just wanted to let you know that I will be praying for you guys.
Mia Greene said...
1710/24/07 11:50 PM | Comment Link |
Dear Todd,
Thank you so much for sharing this in a public forum. My heart most certainly goes out to you and your family. I just had a miscarriage myself this past weekend and found your blog while trying to avoid sleeping and looking for comfort out there somewhere in the middle of the night. I’m not a practicing Christian, but I love that you shared Romans 12:15. I’d not heard that before but have been working with how to practice that. Not easy at all, no, but so worth our deepest efforts ~ always.
And I have to thank David Congdon for pointing out that when we share our joy at an early stage, we join in community. I did that too - against all the popular advice, and while sharing the sad news has been very painful, it has showed me how lucky I am to have a loving and supportive circle to lean on when I fall down. Your community seems like a lovely and supportive one. Bless all of you. And bless your Mizuko (Japanese Buddhist word for our miscarried babies). I will keep them in my prayers along with my own Mizuko and so many others.
Yours,
Mia
Todd said...
1810/25/07 1:08 PM | Comment Link |
Mia, Thanks for your encouraging words as well. My heart goes out to you as well as you deal with your recent loss. I pray you have a community that you can mourn with as well..
Shasta said...
1906/16/08 1:47 PM | Comment Link |
Dear Todd,
I don’t know what to say. I know that this post is separated from your pain by the distance of time. I also know from experiencing this loss ourselves twice that this pain never really goes away.
I am so impressed and comforted by the loving supportive words shared here. I am grateful that you have shared this pain with us and hopefully allowed us to carry just a little of it for you.
With warm hugs for yourself, your wife and all your children.
Shasta